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Archive for April 26th, 2008

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
– Mark Twain

It is ironic that I am posting a Mark Twain quote. It is not that I don’t like him, I do–kinda. A good few years ago, when I officially became an English Literature major, in the first literature class that I took we read “The Innocents Abroad.” I liked the book a lot as I found it entertaining and fascinating. I do remember reading another book of his, but I was not as into it. So anyway, the point of the matter is, somehow this quote got to me when I saw it tonight.

I have been grumpy lately…according to someone, very grumpy; my official nickname has become “grumpy buckets.” I have a few reasons for being grumpy…I have got this parental issue that I need to deal with and I am dreading having to open certain lines of communication that are currently closed –very happily closed. The issue has been going on for years and said parent has made my life miserable in the past and currently his careless actions have caused some damage in my life. I have actually been having dreams, or more like nightmares, of the time when communication does take place and it is never pretty because there is always some serious yelling and screaming. I always wake up all out of sorts and freaked out.

The second issue is this F@#$ing exam for my program known as the comprehensive exam. Said exam will take place on Friday May 2nd from 9am to 1pm. The exam covers four courses that we have taken and we are going to be given one question for each course. So I have been driving myself crazy because I have been reviewing for the past month. I have gone back and re-read every textbook and made summaries for myself and now I am just reading my summaries. It is driving me nuts because I can see myself hyperventilating the day of the exam and forgetting everything that I know OR the question will ask something that I neglected to review. So I have been feeling a little neurotic. In the skim of things, I am not the only one…others in my program are feeling a little neurotic too.

The third issue…well it kinda has an impact on everything. I have been having some serious issues with motivation. I am not really sure what is going on with me. I just want to stick my head in the sand. There are a million things that I have going on and need to do, yet I am always behind and don’t seem to get my sh*t together. This certainly doesn’t help matters and makes studying even more difficult. I keep on reminding myself that I am almost done. In about four weeks I am going be done done done with my MA. It has been great but I need to get back to having a life because really, I don’t have one right now. What am I doing on a fine Saturday night? Reviewing and blogging. Can you say LOSER?

So back to the damn quote. It is a reminder of the freak that I was until a little while ago, much to J’s chagrin. He has called me “over achiever” (yeah right, had I been one, I would have been in a different place in life right now), a type A (oh how I resented him for saying that, I am so not type A, I even took an internet test to prove him wrong), and well good old “crazy.” I am fully aware that I have this tendency of multi-tasking and being always busy. I get bored easily, so I need to be always active and do things, otherwise I feel like life is going by and I am just standing still being lazy or missing out.

The thing is, that’s what happened in my 20s, I was busy trying to stay afloat and survive, and I feel that I wasted a lot of my youth and I have a few regrets. So when a new decade came along I decided that it was time to live, explore, grow, achieve, and most importantly be happy. So basically, now I need to get back into the groove of things and sail away, so to speak.

With this said, now I need to go and kick myself in the ass and sail away. And I have big plans for myself because I am going to sail away metaphorically, and well in real life. Our “adventure” group has weekend sailing trips and J and I have been talking about going to one since we came back from our Black Canyon canoe trip. So off I am to sign up for that because twenty years from now I don’t want to look back and regret!

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